11 Traps that Kill Conversation
As Tad hung up the phone, he realized he did it again. He fell for the trap and now it is over. Tad wanted so much to have a relationship with his estranged adult daughter that he kept trying to converse with her. But at nearly every turn, she set a trap for him to get upset or emotional and then she would shut it down saying he was out of control.
Susan experienced something similar at work. She felt like her boss hated her. Every time she would approach him, he would give a quick distracted response that didn’t really address the issue. When she asked for clarification, he redirected her to someone else who wasn’t helpful. Frustrated, Susan would attempt again only to hear that she was being indecisive and sensitive.
Eric and Erin were out to dinner celebrating their 11th wedding anniversary. The conversation started off well until Eric mentioned the excessive cost of the lobster on the menu. Erin, tired of hearing him complain about money and how much things cost yet again, shut down. Eric became frustrated which closed Erin up even more. They barely spoke for the remainder of the meal.
All of these are conversation traps. Tad’s daughter passive-aggressively sets up a trap so she can get out of the conversation. Susan’s boss is more aggressive in his verbal assaults. While Eric and Erin passively fall into well-rehearsed disputes as naturally as they discuss the weather. So, what are these traps and how can they be avoided? Here are 11 examples.
- All or nothing thinking: This is talking about things in black or white absolute categories or offering only two extreme choices. “You are always late.” “I never do anything right.” “It is either this way or that way.”
- Avoid this by Not accepting the two extremes and instead offer a suggestion in the middle.
- Avoid this by: Recognize that one negative statement doesn’t mean the entire conversation needs to end. Show some grace.
- Avoid this by Not ignoring the positive. Focus on the positive and put the negative comments aside.
- Avoid this by Again, focus on the positive contribution and put aside the negative.
- Avoid this by Doing some reality testing. Did a person say they were mad? If not, don’t assume the worse. Assumptions kill honest communication.
- Avoid this by Not assuming the worst possible outcome.
- Avoid this by Putting things into the proper context. Context is everything in a conversation. Don’t add meanings unnecessarily.
- Avoid this by Accepting your feelings without incorporating them into the conversation or holding the other person responsible for how you feel.
- Avoid this by Not using these words. “Should” statements carry an assumption of guilt or shame with them and can be harmful to the receiver.
- Avoid this by Not labeling yourself or others. This is harmful and can be emotionally damaging.
- Avoid this by Accepting responsibility for the things that are yours and not casting blame on others for things that are out of their control.
Learning to avoid these conversational traps will transform the way you communicate with others. These are worth reviewing before key discussions or emotionally charged events.
Posted under: Communication Writings from Christine
Leave a Reply