Writings from Christine

2 comment on Dysfunctional Bond Between Narcissists and Co-dependants

1. 

   by Donna on June 4, 2019 at 2:39 am | | Reply

    

   I can’t even begin to fully express that overwhelming impact your podcast have produced in my life in just the last 36 hours!! I’ve always known something wasn’t right within my family from a young age. Thankfully- and most likely through the Grace of God- I never lived at my parents’ house again after my sophomore year in college. Immediately after college, I went to grad school at Vanderbilt which was seven hours from my childhood home. All along, I had planned to move back home after I received my degree. As I had moved farther – in time
   and space – from my childhood home, I became overwhelmingly aware how dysfunctional it was.
   Over the last ten plus years, my mom suffered through MS and a stoke.. struggled through what doctors thought were seizures- only to learn they were severe panic attacks. In the fall of 2017, my dad could no longer care for her and she had to move to a nursing home. That was when everything unraveled….
   Growing up in the 70s and 80s my mom was a mix of Betty Cleaver and Jackie O. She wouldn’t wake us up until she was dressed for the day, usually in dress or skirt, with full make up and hair done. Fast forward a few decades and she had become one who was completely dependent on others to care for her … fed her, and in the last few months, diaper her. In the last decade of her life … she had not even been able to walk across the room independently…
   In March of 2018 – after she’d been in the nursing home for four months, she called me at 1:30 a.m.
   When the phone rang my husband remarked, “Who on earth is calling this at this time??” I looked at caller ID… it was my mom… which surprised me as she was just about a quadriplegic very little use of her hands and arms. Surprisingly, I answered and heard her on the other end … instead of the weak and difficult to decipher voice I had become accustomed to, I heard a strong, lucid voice on the other end … the mom I knew over a decade ago… When I asked why she had called, she told me she wanted me to know she was ready for Heaven. I paused – and most likely in my spirit whispered a quick heartfelt prayer to God on what to do next… He gave me words… I just began to tell her how awesome Heaven is going to be.. How she’ll be able to walk, to run… all the loved ones she’ll get to see again… How she won’t be in any more pain…
   I knew after that I needed to get home to see her ASAP
   Right before my trip – my sister – I have 2 sisters who work in tandem and who hold all the power, control in the family. All decisions must gain their approval. Ive never been close to them- out of self preservation… My dad had attempted to sign a DNR for my mom… and they were both livid that he would consider. When my oldest sister learned that I supported my dad signing a DNR (remember at this point – mom was a quadriplegic – had to be fed and diapered) – she demanded we have a phone call. We talked – I explained that she’s told several of us she is ready for Heaven- we should not expedite this nor should we throw road blocks… trying to keep her here would be selfish… She disagreed and was angry.

   Fast forward a week or two later when I make it home to see mom… when I arrive the director of nursing requests a meeting- I learn that it is recommended mom receive hospice or morphine for pain management as she was facing 3 infections- 2 she may could recover – but not the necrotic bed sore. … while my sisters would only visit for 10-15 minutes … I was able to stay for hours… Being able to stay so long, I learned how great my mom’s pain was…yet when I – and the medical staff would address the need for hospice … or morphine- we were disregarded – ignored . They said she was fine – she could fight this…
   throughout my life I’ve always been disregarded – not heard. I joked with my husband that I’m the second class citizen of the family…
   but this time it caused mom extraordinary pain…
   I’ve gone way longer than I planned on typing … long story short as possible..
   a few weeks later, my mom went to Heaven…
   Afterwards I began to feel like I had a cinder block on my lungs…

   Five months later, through another family gathering- dysfunction amuck… I realized the cause of the cinder block on my lungs… the belittlement of my pleas… the lack of apology for disregarding my multiple attempts to get my mom some help…
   After that family gathering – I sent out an email – claimed boundaries- called out their refusal to allow my mom Hospice … I haven’t heard from my sisters since then and my dad no longer will talk to me.
   So I’ve got about 3 narcissists in that family… my mom was co-dependent…
   Your podcast have been overwhelmingly validating.. and that cinder block? It is gone. Thank you… Now, I’m rewriting.

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     by Christine Hammond on June 6, 2019 at 5:09 pm | | Reply

      

     Thank you so much!