How to Survive Divorcing a Narcissist

You made the decision to divorce (or it was made for you) and thought things would go smoothly. But they do not. Here are some reasons why as told through Jane’s story…

After 15 years of marriage to her narcissistic husband, Jane finally asked for a divorce. Since her husband had mentioned divorce several times, Jane thought the process would be simple. But it wasn’t.

The further the divorce progressed, the more insane things became. During the marriage, she was used to his radical changes in personality depending on who was or wasn’t in the room.

But she severely underestimated this tactic after the divorce papers were filed. In front of family he was the victim, alone he was personally threatening, then he was amazingly charismatic, and alone again he was begging. Jane felt puzzled, numb, scared, disorganized, and responsible.

Divorce is difficult. But divorcing a narcissist can feel impossible. The surprise abusive attacks followed by the desperate pleas to remain together create confusion, frustration, and anxiety.  Worse yet, the narcissistic spouse charms friends, lawyers, and even judges into believing that they are the victims leaving the real spousal victim without support. Here are a few of their tactics:

1. Bait and switch. To lure a person into their way of perceiving the world, a narcissist will dangle attractive bait like money, success, power, or influence. Then when the victim least expects it, the bait is used against the victim in an attacking fashion. “You only married me for the money, you are such a whore.”
   1. Accusations = secrets. In this case, the narcissist accuses their spouse of improper behavior such as adultery. Most likely this is the defense mechanism of projection, where the narcissist is the with the adultery secret, not the spouse.
   2. Blowups = diversion. When a narcissist rants for no real reason during a divorce, this is frequently a diversion from something that is really is the problem. Think of it as complaining about a lite candle when the house is burning down.
2. Scare tactics. In order to get their way, narcissists use abusive scare tactics. Think of them as the bully on a playground who is trying to intimidate the other kids into giving up their lunch money. They threaten harm to get what they want, regardless of how it hurts others.
   1. Alienation. One of the easiest ways to get a spouse to comply is to alienate them from friends and family. When the spouse feels alone and abandoned, they are more likely to give into the demands of the narcissist.
   2. Gaslighting. This is a more advanced method where the narcissist recreates personal historical events so they look like the sane one while the spouse looks insane. Usually the narcissist mixes a bit of truth with a lot of fiction so the spouse believes their perception is the inaccurate version.
3. Rollercoaster ride. The ups, downs, twists, turns, and surprises of a rollercoaster ride happen when divorcing a narcissist. By generating an air of uncertainty, the narcissist is able to remain in control. And it is all about control for the narcissist.
   1. I love you. / I hate you. This twist is done to appeal to the emotional side of the spouse. By reminding the spouse of their love at one time, the narcissist is generating feelings of nostalgia. The “I hate you” is an intentionally hurtful slam.
   2. I want this to be over. / It’s never going to be over. To the attorney, mediator, judge, and friends, the narcissist claims they want this to be over. But in reality, even after divorce, the narcissist finds ways to keep some measure of control over their spouse.
4. Child’s play. The saddest part of divorcing a narcissist is the impact that it can have on the children. When the parents are together, there is one parent constantly available to provide attachment and empathy. However, the child then grows up to believe that the narcissistic behavior is acceptable. Apart, things become muddy for the child.
   1. Disney parenting. The first tactic a narcissistic parent tries after the custody is settled is to become the Disney parent. This is the fun, exciting, never a dull moment, “I will get you whatever you want,” and rules can be broken method of luring the child away from the other parent and towards the narcissist.
   2. Parental alienation. Next, the narcissist begins to alienate the child from the opposite parent by pointing out the flaws, inconsistencies, over discipline, and hurt the narcissist has felt at the hands of the other parent. This causes the child to shy away from one parent in favor of the narcissist.

Once Jane became aware of these tactics, she was no longer shocked by her ex’s behavior. This allowed her to think more clearly and make solid decisions for her and her children’s future. How can you succeed during your divorce?

Join us for a 4 week live webinar on How to Survive a Divorce with a Narcissist.

Whether you are thinking of divorcing your narcissistic spouse, in the middle of it, or have finalized the divorce, the tactics are the same.

These live sessions are on Tuesday nights from 9:00-10:00pm EST.

The first half of the webinar is informative (led by Christine) and the second half addresses your specific questions.

Because each session addresses a different topic and features a variety of participants, it will be new and exciting every time.

This is not individual or group counseling, nor is it a substitute for legal counsel (I am not an attorney).

Rather, it is solution-focused and can be done in conjunction with individual or family therapy. The online aspect allows for complete anonymity as only the presenter will be aware of the participants.

Christine’s individual hourly divorce mentoring fee is $200. Due to an increasing demand, she has created this group to provide support to those who are in desperate need of it.

The exclusive sessions are discounted to $50 per session or $150 for all 4 sessions.

Please use the attached link to PayPal to register your participation for the webinar.

Schedule:

January 30th: Bait and switch. How a narcissist dangles attractive bait like money, success, power, or influence and then uses against their spouse. Discover ways to avoid or get out of this trap.

February 6th: Scare tactics. Narcissists have a predictable abuse cycle. Learn how to overcome this spiral and their scare tactics.

February 13th:  Rollercoaster ride. Avoiding the ups, downs, twists, turns, and surprises is an art form. Learn how you can be in control of the ride instead of the narcissist.

February 20th: Child’s play. Having a narcissist parent can be frustrating for a child. However, it is worse when the child then grows up to believe that the narcissistic behavior is acceptable. Discover ways to avoid this from happening.

Listen to Christine’s Podcast, Understanding Today’s Narcissist, on Apple Podcasts and Google Podcasts.