Narcissism and Addiction: A Frustrating Combination
One of the hardest types of people to deal with is a narcissist in the middle of their addiction. They are completely exhausting. The combined selfishness of narcissism and addictive behavior is overpowering, relentless, callous, and frequently abusive. This destructive blend of arrogant thinking in that they are always right and that they do not have a problem leads to devastating consequences.
There are many parts to the addicted narcissist and their road to recovery. The point of this article is to recognize the injurious behavior so more reasonable expectations can be established during the process and for the family.
Origins
In both addicts and narcissists, shame is the common denominator. Stage two of Erik Erikson’s Psychosocial Development which occurs between 18 months and three years old has shame as the negative outcome. Not all narcissists or addicts have trauma during these years, but it can be a good place to begin. Because there is a strong concurrence, about 50% of narcissists are addicts of some sort. Some studies suggest that fetal alcohol syndrome in a child is a sign of a female narcissist.
Enablers
There are frequently two enablers. One bolsters the ego of the narcissist and one unknowingly encourages the addiction. The narcissistic enabler minimizes all signs of addiction and fosters feelings of superiority over others. The addiction enabler is likewise blind to symptoms of addiction, therefore, justifying financially supporting it. Both are needed to maintain the self-image of the narcissist.
Sometimes, the victim of narcissistic abuse is the sole enabler. This person naively empowers both behaviors to continue. They have been told that the addiction is in their minds and they are the ones to blame for it continuing. Saying like this are common. “No one else sees what you are seeing, you are the crazy one.” “If only you would do…, then I won’t have to…”
The Cycle
The addiction cycle is comingled with the narcissistic abuse cycle. It begins when the narcissist feels threatened. They become angry and take out their frustration on a victim. Sensing resistance from the victim, they retreat to their addiction. The drug of choice reinforces their idealistic fantasies, perception of omnipotence, and extravagant schemes. However, this results in the enablers retreating from the narcissist. Now confused, the narcissistic ego feels threatened and the cycle repeats.
Step One
The most difficult step is to get a narcissist to admit to their addiction. This is the first mandatory step of all addictive recovery which is particularly problematic for a person who believes they are above others. Not only are they reluctant to admit there is a problem, but they refuse to allow someone inferior to point it out. This is why confronting a narcissist about their addiction usually results in substantial rage.
Rehab
The only rehab a narcissist willingly attends is an elite facility. Even there, they expect special treatment and believe the rules are for others. During group counseling sessions, they are bored and view it as trivial. Sometimes they become intolerant and even abusive towards staff members. Instead of taking the time to heal, they look for loopholes in the system, complain about inefficiencies, become single-minded about insurance/costs, and blame others for having to be at rehab.
Recovery
A narcissist is unwilling to wait the prescribed time period to see if the recovery is effective. Instead, they expect immediate results and others to comply fully with their miraculous healing in a very short time period. Unfortunately, because the narcissist has grandiose beliefs about themselves, they rarely learn during treatment thus making their prognosis poor.
Relapse
It is not impossible for a narcissist to recover from an addiction. In fact, when they see it as damaging to their image, they are able to eliminate the addiction almost instantly and without emotional consequences. However, they do return to the addictive behavior later as a way to demonstrate they ultimately have power and control over the drug of choice.
Just because the narcissist feeds off illusions of grandeur, doesn’t mean the family support system needs to strengthen that belief. A family can be supportive while having reasonable expectations for the narcissist’s prognosis. It is far more loving to accept someone within their own limitations than to insist they become someone they are not.
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Posted under: abuse Narcissism Substance Abuse Writings from Christine
My partner of 36 years is an alcoholic who has only once or twice considered having an alcohol free day, although in our early years he would have less to drink, but only if he had marijuana to replace it. He has a sense of entitlement around drinking however much he wants and spending money, although knows nothing about our financial situation, which I deal with. He wants to purchase a $100,000 car when we are in debt and need to fix our house – and our 2 children have no capacity to buy a house and I want to be able to help them make a start. We cannot discuss money as he starts yelling that I’m ‘obsessed’ about it.. I am on the verge of leaving but do not want to end up in a bad situation financially as st the moment he eats a great deal more than I do. But I’m 63 and need to plan my retirement.
It might be time to consult with an attorney to learn better what your options really are.